April 2016. What is this I feel?!

“And Jesus answered them, “Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you whoever says to this mountain, “Be taken up and thrown into the sea,” and does not doubt in his heart,, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him.Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  Mark 11:22-24

Almost immediately after my first bout with breast cancer, I began to proclaim to others who would say that I was in REMISSION, “oh no! I am healed.  Jesus told me that I shall never pass this way again!”  This is what I believed.  This is what I desired….

Here we are, some 5 years, 4 months and 11 days after I first received a positive diagnosis for breast cancer on March 1, 2011, that I am hearing the same exact news!  “It is cancer my dear.  I am so sorry.”  (July 12, 2016).  The only difference between diagnosis one and diagnosis two, is that I knew in 2011 within my spirit that I had cancer.  This time, in 2016, I felt TOTALLY blindsided.  Well, somewhat blindsided.  Let me rewind and tell you my story…

Some 3 years ago, I began asking God, “Lord, if there is something going on inside of my body please let it be known on the outside.  Please do not allow cancer or any other illness to remain hidden and then suddenly show itself and it be too late.”  God is faithful.  He heard my prayer.

Sometime around April of 2016, I felt a small lump in my neck area.  It concerned me, but it did not worry me.  At least not enough for me to go to the doctor.  There was ABSOLUTELY NO DISCOMFORT and unless I reached for it, I did not even know that it was there.  

May 23, 2016

I had a routine 6 month oncology appointment with Dr. K and figured that I would mention the lump there.  However, on the day of the appointment, I intentionally did not mention it.  Why?  Well, because I did not want to be bothered with any unnecessary alarm, tests, and medical hoopla.  I guess I really don’t have a good reason for not mentioning it.  Anyways, while doing his regular neck area exam, Dr. K felt the lumps.  He later told me during my appointment on 7/13/2016, “God led my hands there. That’s why I felt it.”  So, after feeling the lumps, he feverishly began writing orders, “I don’t like that (the lumps). I don’t like what I am feeling.”  His orders included a breast and neck(lump) ultrasound, CT scan and an appointment with the Ear Nose and Throat (ENT) doctor to have it examined and removed, if necessary. STAT!  Everything from that point on was STAT!  

I informed Dr. K that I had vacation plans coming up on 6/9/2016 and that I needed to get this stuff done BEFORE my trip, if possible.  

May 25, 2016

I had an ultrasound with Kim, a small Asian lady, with a pleasant demeanor.  She probed my breast and neck area. In conversation I shared with her how just when I finally started feeling like myself again, after 5 years post cancer, now this comes up.  She understood what I was saying and briefly shared with me that she was a colon cancer survivor and is just now starting to feel like herself again too. After the exam, Kim called and spoke with the radiologist who said that she would not do a biopsy on the area because it was too risky.  It was too close to a main artery which if punctured, could cause me to bleed out in the brain and possibly die. “Die? I ain’t trying to die! Not today!” were my thoughts. Praise God that no chances were being taken here.

May 26, 2016

I had a CT scan.  This was a NIGHTMARE! I arrived and was given an iodine solution to drink.  It tasted like water with light oil.  I had to wait about 1 hour for the drink to go through my system. Thanks to my mom, I have an outright aversion to any type of medication, no matter the form and any type of medical intervention.  ALL MEDICATIONS AND MEDICAL INTERVENTIONS ARE HARMFUL-is the flashing red neon light that always goes off inside of my head.   I view it as poison and a detriment to my body!  So,  to drink something that would light up my organs on a screen, was like having to drink poison.  I was then taken into the back to change into the hospital gown. I was cold, the nurse couldn’t find my vein poked my arm about 3 times before I requested that she find a different phlebotomist. She called for someone new and he came and found the vein with no issues.  I was then taken into the CT scan room where I was told that I had to have a contrast, which meant that yet another chemical was being introduced into my body, ugh! Are you kidding me?!!!  I immediately began to shiver internally.  Not only was I getting ready to be pushed into this small tubular machine (Remember, I hate enclosed spaces), but now I must endure an injection (of poison) too!?!?  When he started the injection, it felt hot, and that’s when I freaked the heck out!  OMG, chemo flashback…hot, warm poison going into my veins?  What is this?  Anyways, my body became one with my brain and I began to shake and shiver all over.  My teeth were chattering, and this is no exaggeration. I have never been this freaked out a day in my life! (well, except when I was giving birth to my son…I hurled everywhere…but that’s a different story!) as i shook uncontrollably, I just began to call on the name JESUS.  Although I continued to shake, I knew that He was with me.  The exam was over and the technician said, “You can calm down now.  You were shaking so bad.”

Upon arriving to my car, I began to cry. I called my husband and described the fiasco to him.  He told me to take my time getting home and that he’d take the kids to the park, just so that I could calm down.  All I wanted to do was to get in my bed and eat some comfort food…guacamole with lime tortilla chips…like the whole bag!  So, I stopped by Ralph’s on the way home to fulfill my comfort fantasy.  When I got home, I stripped off my clothes and dipped and chewed myself into oblivion…

One thought on “April 2016. What is this I feel?!

  1. Wow. This testimony made Me sad. I am so sorry that you went through this difficult challenged. Yet, I am so grateful to know that the Living God brought you through just like we knew He would. No one would know that you been through this difficult challenged just by looking at you. The Living God brought you through well, according to His word and will. I am so grateful to be a witness to the miracle of the Living God. For great is His mercy and grace day by day. I am so please that you were not taken from us. Love you much.

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